Teacher Says

Your connection to Oed is fairly natural and your transition sentences do well to signla to your readers exactly why you’re making that comparison. As I’ve mentioned in the margins, details about paintball would help this make sense to people who don’t play the game.

Using more active verbs and fewer ‘to be’ verbs would also make this much stronger, more interesting, and descriptive. Your readers need to be able to experience the story through your words. Pay attention to how you can achieve that through your descriptions.

This reads like you just stopped writing, instead of actually finishing. At the end, I’m left asking, “So what? What’s your point? Why should I care?” You can make that clear by explaining the significance of your story, Oedipus’s tale, and the connection between the 2.

Paragraph 1 sets up your readers to learn about your junior year. Paragraph 2 should start to tell that story. Without any transition, it makes no sense to start writing about Oed because you haven’t given any reason for your readers to start thinking about that connection.

When you claim that Oed made his decision based on emotion, that’s your first chance to explain to your readers exactly why you think that. Leaving out that explanation, it’s as if you hope that just stating your opinion is enough. Saying that you believe something doesn’t make it true.

Lots of errors throughout make your readers wonder if you know when to use a period and when to use a comma. It also makes your readers question your expertise. If you can’t bother to write correctly, how can we know that you can bother to think correctly?

And where’s the U-Turn, Mirror, Mirror, or What It Is! sentence you were supposed to include? Did you write this at the last minute?

Your switches from reflections on your life to reflections on Oed (as happens in sentences 5&6 in paragraph 1 and as you do on page 3) need to be smoother so your readers have an idea which one you’re talking about.

Paragraph 2 begins your narrative. Since you’re mixing what did happen with what you wished happened, you confuse you readers because they can’t keep the 2 straight. I’m sure there’s a way to pull off what you’re trying, that mix of stories. But maybe you want to describe your usual habits on Christmas Day, contrasting the usual with what was different that year.

The final paragraph is strong, particularly the “Carelesness and the lack of intelligence” sentence. What if this entire piece was focused on proving those ideas in a clear march through your narrative and Oed’s story, pointing to examples of carelessness, lack of intelligence, et. al. in your tales?

Paragraph 1 starts strong, but by sentence 4 it’s as if that’s just the first draft: run-on sentences, no detail, repeating yourself, little mistakes, all those things detract from the story. In order for your readers to care about you or Corrina, descriptions allow readers to picture and experience things. How can readers care if they can’t imagine what happened?

When you bring up Oed, it doesn’t make sense because there’s no reason for you to bring up that old play. There’re no transitions to signal your readers about why you make that comparison.

Good observations about all the clues you ignored make for a fair reflection. Adding detail so your readers can imagine all this happening, and even feel the emotions you felt that day, will make this stronger.