Paragraph 1 starts strong, but by sentence 4 it’s as if that’s just the first draft: run-on sentences, no detail, repeating yourself, little mistakes, all those things detract from the story. In order for your readers to care about you or Corrina, descriptions allow readers to picture and experience things. How can readers care if they can’t imagine what happened?
When you bring up Oed, it doesn’t make sense because there’s no reason for you to bring up that old play. There’re no transitions to signal your readers about why you make that comparison.
Good observations about all the clues you ignored make for a fair reflection. Adding detail so your readers can imagine all this happening, and even feel the emotions you felt that day, will make this stronger.