Why is that opening paragraph there? What purpose does it serve? What if you just started with the dialogue? Make it clearer that you left the bathroom and went into the store. More sensory descriptions like you’ve written elsewhere would help chart that journey. Since it’s the very next sentence, it’s not clear to your readers how far away from the bathroom you walked. But it ends up to be an important detail to know. When you include quotations, you need to discuss why. Quotations can’t do that work for you and it’s rarely obvious to your readers why you bothered to include that specific quotation. Explain how it supports your point.
Tags: narrative