You need to build the case of [the character] using [the other character] due to a lack of power earlier than you do. The rest of your arguments depend on that idea. Staying more focused on showing what [the character’s] “standards of manly conduct” are — and how [the other character] falls short of those and finally how [the character] uses those short comings to her advantage — would strengthen this.
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Tuesday, May 8th, 2007Flat And Incomplete
Tuesday, May 8th, 2007You have the possibility of eloquent writing if you can keep a handle on how many sentences you string together with “and.” That’s where this could be improved: sentence pattern variety. You write well, but the frequent “and”s give this the feel of an early draft. The discussion of tragedy here would be more meaningful with quotations to point your readers to specific evidence of your claims. Without that, this feels a bit flat and incomplete.
Buried Idea
Tuesday, May 8th, 2007You have an interesting idea buried here. Fully developing that idea, explaining it in clear detail so your readers can follow along, would strengthen this. If you can be clear about that connection, your readers will see your point.
Just An Introduction
Tuesday, May 8th, 2007Your explanations are clear and you’ve got a strong pattern of telling why you include the quotations and examples that you do. This would be stronger if [the character’s] character traits were tied more directly to the things we see everyday. A greater discussion of how [the character] exhibits all the characteristics of modern peer pressure or how [the character’s] persuasion techniques are just like modern ad campaigns would help. This reads like just an introduction to this idea.
No Evidence
Tuesday, May 8th, 2007With no evidence from the play, it’s hard for your readers to take this as a serious discussion. You haven’t supported any reason that you relate [a character from the story] to your parents. So this reads like a paper written by someone who hasn’t ever read the [play, novel, short story, article, etc.].
Get To The Point
Monday, December 11th, 2006It takes you 3 paragraphs just to get in the water. And at paragraph 3, I’m still wondering where you are going with this story. Without any transition, your readers have no idea why you are bringing up Oedipus the King. Tons of run-on sentences make this read like a first draft. Also, similar sentence patters make your story quickly lose its excitement. Every error you make forces your readers to question whether or not you know what you’re writing about.
Consider what details you need in order to tell your story. I’m thinking you could have told this story in a different way, focusing on details that would let your readers experience your fear and confusion along with you.
Tell The Story
Monday, December 11th, 2006Don’t write about what you are going to write about; just write about it! You write as if you are going to tell a story, but you never tell it. Why did you go to D.C.? What did you do there? How was it such a powerful experience? Tell about the friends you made. Allow your readers to feel the same feelings you felt by describing things in detail. Names help; faces do, too. Character traits make names and faces come to life; anecdotes make characters believable. You very briefly describe your experiences in paragraph 2, but you don’t devote much time to it for your readers to buy that it was such a profound experience. Since you only describe it vaguely, it seems like it was no big deal.
Explain The Significance
Monday, December 11th, 2006Your connection to Oed is fairly natural and your transition sentences do well to signla to your readers exactly why you’re making that comparison. As I’ve mentioned in the margins, details about paintball would help this make sense to people who don’t play the game.
Using more active verbs and fewer ‘to be’ verbs would also make this much stronger, more interesting, and descriptive. Your readers need to be able to experience the story through your words. Pay attention to how you can achieve that through your descriptions.
This reads like you just stopped writing, instead of actually finishing. At the end, I’m left asking, “So what? What’s your point? Why should I care?” You can make that clear by explaining the significance of your story, Oedipus’s tale, and the connection between the 2.
Why Is This Worth It?
Monday, December 11th, 2006It seems like you mean to imply that accidents lead to more awareness. Your “everyone has their faults” paragraph suggest that, but you never develop that idea enough to prove that point. Even in your discussion of Oed, you just gloss over that idea, assuming that your readers believe or even understand you. It seems a big mistake to make that assumption. The way you narrate your events makes it seem like it wasn’t a big deal. You cut yourself, but you washed it off and made it through your day just fine. You don’t emphasize anything you learned or how lucky you are that it wasn’t worse or even how bad the cut actually was. Because of that, the reader is left wondering why this was an even worth reading about.
Stay Focused
Monday, December 11th, 2006Carolyn comes into the story so late, it’s hard to see that discussion as part of the same story. It looks like an add on, extra information that isn’t very necessary. Is this a story about washing dishes and being careless with electronics or your ideas about friendship? I suppose there’s a way for it to be both, but not how you’ve written it here. Stay focused, from beginning to end, on proving some point. Here it’s an observation about life that you’ll use your experience and Oed to prove true. There are good reflections here, but without focus, your readers are never sure of exactly what you want to say.