Teacher Says

Lots of run on sentences make it look like you didn’t edit this. If you can’t bother to pay attention to details like that, why should your readers bother to read this?

That final paragraph brings up a few ideas that really need your explanation in order for your readers to follow your thinking.

You repeat words frequently (really, still, so bad) and that just adds to this appearing like a piece of writing you stopped working on far too soon. You also need to include details so your readers can imagine and relive this experience through your words. How did the bat feel when you hit it? What did it sound like? Describe the grass smell.

All the little grammar mistakes make it seem like you don’t even care about this writing, so what should I? And I still don’t get why this guy you’re interviewing is so cool, like you say he is. Explain that to me a bit more through his words and your explanation.

I like the way you’ve incorporated your quotations, by the way.

Aw, man! You ended this way too soon! I like your writing style here and want to read more like it. And I want to know more of how the band is doing, dreams and goals, projects, etc. You just started to get at their song writing process and I want to read more about that.

I really like the way you integrated the quotations in paragraphs 2 and 3. That’s an effective way to add credibility to what you’re saying about the band.

You make a whole lot of grammatical mistakes that are distracting and weaken the paper. Those kinds of mistakes make it seem like you didn’t even care enough about your writing to fix it, so why should readers care to read it? You know?

I want to know more about why she left the legal field to start subbing. And is it that she makes you feel like anything is possible and not enough teachers do that? That’s an idea that should be clear in the beginning.

The opening 2 sentences are really strong:
“Back in the day when my friends and I were all younger we usetd to talk about life after school. We used to laugh and joke around about who would be the first to have a kid.”

Why not call your main character Perkins all the way through? Is it important that his real name is Jonathan? I think the two names only cause confusion at times. Your comma use is weak and that only brings this writing down, but you do a good job of capturing who this guy is. Even though he’s a young dad, he “would not change anything.”

Interesting idea to use the interview as a way to reflect on your father and his absence. But you’re quite often too wordy; the paragraph at the bottom of page 2 is a good example of this. When you’re wordy like that, you distract from your point.

I like your realization that the mirror is a picture of your father. That was a subtle twist. And your ending is a little haunting, a very good thing. We’re left wondering if he is a gentleman and, even, if gentlemen really exist.

You write very well, but the problem is that you do not address the prompt. Your argument is logical, but it is on the wrong subject.

You have written a good essay with strong ideas. Though it would be nice to see one more body paragraph, you do a nice job bringing closure to the essay. Your grammar is virtually error free, but your meaning is sometimes obscured by incorrect word choice (W.C.). Also, your quote ends up being too large of a chunk of your paper.

Your essay is well organized and your ideas flow smoothly. You make a strong argument for teaching morals in school. You run into problems with grammar and conventions. With timed essays, I know it is extremely hard to correct grammatical errors; however, it is imperative to work on these problems so that you can improve your performance on writing assessments. This will ensure your success in college.

You have strong ideas and you make a convincing argument. Though your paper might benefit from a couple more supporting ideas, you run into trouble with making the right word choice and using the right verb tense. If you work on verb tense and word choice problems, your writing will progress nicely.