Why is that opening paragraph there? What purpose does it serve? What if you just started with the dialogue? Make it clearer that you left the bathroom and went into the store. More sensory descriptions like you’ve written elsewhere would help chart that journey. Since it’s the very next sentence, it’s not clear to your readers how far away from the bathroom you walked. But it ends up to be an important detail to know. When you include quotations, you need to discuss why. Quotations can’t do that work for you and it’s rarely obvious to your readers why you bothered to include that specific quotation. Explain how it supports your point.
Explain Quotations
December 11th, 2006First Draft Is Hard To Take Seriously
December 11th, 2006There are a lot of problems here suggesting that you’re not clear on period, comma, or apostrophe use. That makes for a sloppy paper that gets confusing as sentences run together (see top of page 3), thoughts end before they are completed, and housing is confused (“Julie house” and “Elijah house” instead of “Julie’s house” and “Elijah’s house”). You plant some good references to Oed, it’s just hard for your readers to take you seriously when this reads like a first draft.
No Explanation
December 11th, 2006Paragraph 1 sets up your readers to learn about your junior year. Paragraph 2 should start to tell that story. Without any transition, it makes no sense to start writing about Oed because you haven’t given any reason for your readers to start thinking about that connection.
When you claim that Oed made his decision based on emotion, that’s your first chance to explain to your readers exactly why you think that. Leaving out that explanation, it’s as if you hope that just stating your opinion is enough. Saying that you believe something doesn’t make it true.
Lots of errors throughout make your readers wonder if you know when to use a period and when to use a comma. It also makes your readers question your expertise. If you can’t bother to write correctly, how can we know that you can bother to think correctly?
And where’s the U-Turn, Mirror, Mirror, or What It Is! sentence you were supposed to include? Did you write this at the last minute?
Switching Narratives Equals Confusing Writing
December 11th, 2006Your switches from reflections on your life to reflections on Oed (as happens in sentences 5&6 in paragraph 1 and as you do on page 3) need to be smoother so your readers have an idea which one you’re talking about.
Paragraph 2 begins your narrative. Since you’re mixing what did happen with what you wished happened, you confuse you readers because they can’t keep the 2 straight. I’m sure there’s a way to pull off what you’re trying, that mix of stories. But maybe you want to describe your usual habits on Christmas Day, contrasting the usual with what was different that year.
The final paragraph is strong, particularly the “Carelesness and the lack of intelligence” sentence. What if this entire piece was focused on proving those ideas in a clear march through your narrative and Oed’s story, pointing to examples of carelessness, lack of intelligence, et. al. in your tales?
Details Are Missing
December 11th, 2006Paragraph 1 starts strong, but by sentence 4 it’s as if that’s just the first draft: run-on sentences, no detail, repeating yourself, little mistakes, all those things detract from the story. In order for your readers to care about you or Corrina, descriptions allow readers to picture and experience things. How can readers care if they can’t imagine what happened?
When you bring up Oed, it doesn’t make sense because there’s no reason for you to bring up that old play. There’re no transitions to signal your readers about why you make that comparison.
Good observations about all the clues you ignored make for a fair reflection. Adding detail so your readers can imagine all this happening, and even feel the emotions you felt that day, will make this stronger.